“You can turn to the meeting community for ongoing support in caregiving. You can put out a call for practical help. Just as important is to ask to be held in the Light, to let the spirit of the whole community support your own spirit. Spiritual help could take form in a clearness committee for a difficult decision, a long-standing support committee, or a meeting for healing.”

—A Tender Time: Quaker Voices on the End of Life

Caring for another, whether because of physical illness or emotional, behavioral, or cognitive challenges, is not easy. However, it can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Through caregiving, one may discover one’s own gifts of compassion, patience, love, and perseverance. However, even for the most joyful caregiver, there will be times of frustration and stress. Spiritual communities can be a vital resource for people facing the challenge of caring for a loved one. We can all benefit from understanding the signs of caregiver stress:

• Feeling frustrated, irritable, angry, or sad
• Changes in sleep patterns: having trouble falling asleep or not wanting to get out of bed
• Increased or decreased appetite
• Loss of interest in activities, withdrawal from friends and family
• Getting sick more often than usual
• Exhaustion
• Making unreasonable demands on yourself—feeling you are the only one who can take care of the person
• Feeling you want to hurt yourself or the person for whom you are caring

Some of these symptoms of caregiver stress are very similar to those of depression. A person who is overwhelmed by taking care of others may not recognize that he or she needs help. Others may need to be attentive and take action to support the caregiver.

How Can I Help? Spiritual Support for Caregivers

It is natural for the person in need of care to become the focus of a community’s concern. However, families and loved ones acting as caregivers may need spiritual and practical support just as much as the person who is ill. Here are some ways you can help caregivers:

• Take a proactive approach in reaching out to caregivers. Often people will be hesitant to ask for help but will accept support if asked. You may need to ask several times before they are comfortable accepting support.
• Be prepared to offer specific suggestions for how you can assist. Caregivers may be so overwhelmed that “Let me know how I can help” feels like another chore. Suggest specific things you could do: sitting with the person in care to give the caregiver a break, bringing a meal weekly, convening a care committee, taking the person in care out for a day, etc.
• Offer individual support and a listening ear. Help caregivers to do the things that nourish their spirits.
• Help the caregiver with chores, meals, childcare, transportation, or any number of practical needs. This can give the caregiver a break or provide peaceful time for them to be with their loved one without the burden of worrying about undone work.
• Bringing people meals can be incredibly supportive. Meal Train is an easy way to organize this.
• Provide Clearness Committees or other opportunities for discernment to assist families in making decisions about care, housing, and other concerns. Remember that caregivers may be too busy or overwhelmed to think of this; make a point to remind people of the opportunity.
• Care committees can be immensely supportive: emotionally, spiritually, and practically. Care committees should not be convened by the caregiver; that creates more work for them. While the care committee is a Quaker tradition, not all members have to be Quaker.
• Some caregivers won’t be able to come to meeting or serve on committees. Others will cling to committee service even as they’re feeling overwhelmed because it is a refuge from the concerns of caregiving and a place they can feel they are making an impact. Help caregivers give themselves permission to step back from meeting service if necessary or to continue if the work is life-giving.
• Keep information on hand about local resources, such as therapists, gerontologists, in-home carers, and geriatric care managers, or where to find out more, such as your county Agency on Aging.
• Small meetings may struggle to provide pastoral care. Meet with the caregiver to get a sense of their needs, then confer within the Care & Counsel committee to determine what the meeting’s capacity is. Clear communication will avoid disappointing expectations.
• If the meeting has a Care of Members fund, offer assistance (if needed) to hire in-home care or a geriatric case manager. In PYM, meetings can help the caregiver apply for Aging Assistance Grants from PYM or grants from the John Martin Trust.