Author Archives: Meg Reber

Hoarding

“I saw that a humble man with the blessing of the Lord might live on a little…”
John Woolman, 1743, Quoted in PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Hoarding is a phenomenon that leads to social isolation, depression, anxiety, and reluctance to move in retirement. This reluctance often brings hoarding to the awareness of family and Meeting. By hoarding I do not mean simple clutter; a cluttered home may have piles of stuff here and there that are worked at and diminished from time to time.

Hoarding is a psychological issue that results in stuff everywhere, a home that can’t be walked through, a bathtub full of clothes, all correspondence for the past 20 years in boxes, a dining room table piled so high that no one has ever eaten there, appliances that don’t work and can’t be gotten rid of, half the bed covered with junk mail.

A way to distinguish between clutter and hoarding is the emotional distress or barriers thrown up at the thought of getting rid of anything. For hoarders their stuff is an extension, definition, or protection, of Self and cannot be eliminated. There are YouTube sites with videos of the homes of hoarders, and of the negative results of making a surprise intervention and cleaning the place while Mom is not home.

While hoarding may be treated successfully as an addiction, it is an anxiety based disorder and sometimes requires professional help. There is a network of social workers who specialize in this phenomenon. There are also a few workbooks that can walk the hoarder through making changes in small steps, a process best done with on-site assistance of someone with great patience, which usually means not a family member.

Due to the emotional need for their stuff, hoarders can be extremely reluctant to move. Trudy had severe arthritis but lived in a house with five levels; she needed to be some place that was all on one floor, or with elevators. Her children had shown her attractive places to move to, but she continued to refuse in spite of her constant pain. An Aging Services Specialist worked with Trudy weekly for 6 months, gaining her trust, helping her to decide what she truly wanted to save and what could be gotten rid of, and they worked together on one small area at a time. Once the most important things were boxed, Trudy agreed to move and leave behind the bulk of stuff to be cleaned out after moving. This order of moving first and then getting rid of stuff is more effective and easier on the hoarder than thinking that everything extraneous must go before a move can be contemplated.

The other learning for families or Meetings of anyone reluctant to move is taking the time to listen to the reasons, and then taking those reasons seriously. For Will it was that the house held all his memories of his wife who had died many years before. Offering Will a large box in which he could put the things most central to his memories would allow him a sense of control and respect.

Marta’s need was to know that everything she was leaving behind would go to a home somewhere. First Marta invited family and friends to take what they wanted, and then Marta identified the charity that would receive the proceeds of the estate sale held after the move. Marta’s needs were met and she could move.

However, neither Will nor Marta was a hoarder; both were merely savers. Hoarders need time and expertise to make moving thinkable.

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Anxiety and Change
Honoring the Individual Through Validation

Other Articles/Links:

Find Help With Hoarding
National Association of Senior Move Managers

Sources/Further Reading:

David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, Gail Steketee, Buried in Treasures, 2007, Oxford University Press, New York, NY.

Housing Options

Q: “What will this newfound present of old age and its unknown future demand of us?”
Mary Morrison, Without Nightfall Upon the Spirit, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 311

Retire according to your values: You will consult a pension specialist, call Social Security, and choose a Medicare supplement before you retire. Plans are made, goals set; you have been looking forward to this part of life for a long time.

Have you considered what you would like your spiritual life to be like in an intentional way? How do you intend to go deeper, discover meaning, be a gift to others? Thinking about this foundational part of your life will help other goals to fall into place, and will give you strength in challenging times.

Moving after retirement: Much as we would like to stay in our own homes, changes may make that impossible: you cannot climb stairs or drive, you feel too isolated where you are, your spouse dies and you do not feel safe alone. As you retire, imagine that you might move two or three times; first to a dream home or a smaller place, then to a place with more assistance, or closer to children. It may be unrealistic to say, “Don’t ever put me in one of those places.”

At some point in time, your physical and emotional needs may not be adequately met without additional support. Instead, consider educating yourself about available options, and let your loved ones know what you would prefer if you needed to live in a more supported environment. Maybe you will never need it, but it helps to prepare yourself emotionally if you do. Some options include:

  • Life Care and Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC) provide a continuum of housing and services, such as independent and assisted living, and skilled nursing care. This usually involves a “buy in” fee.
  • Senior Co-Housing is a form of intentional community where people pool resources for care of one another and with attention to values.
  • Aging in Place entails staying in one’s own home with supports if needed.
  • Skilled Nursing Facility provides round the clock nursing care.
  • Assisted Living usually provides personal care such as help with bathing and medicines, sometimes with some nursing care.
  • Independent Living usually has separate units with shared meals and services such as transportation. Some support for other needs may be available.

Moving to another state: Some surveys have found that 50% of those who move to another state in retirement move back within three years. To learn more about a place you are considering, get the local paper, notice prices and political issues; evaluate medical care; plan how you would replace present activities and contacts, and how long that might take. If you have visited for vacation, have you considered what the community is like in the off-season? Would moving closer to children mean that you’d see them more often?

Aging in Place: It is increasingly possible to stay in your own home as you age. More in-home services are becoming available, such as aides to help with bathing, or chore services that will rake leaves or wash windows. Most places have at least one grocery store that will deliver. Senior Centers and Adult Day Health Programs offer opportunities for socialization and support.

If you decide to spend your retirement in your current home, look around the outside as if you were 10 years older. Could you still put up the storm windows? Paint the second story? What needs to be changed or improved now so that you might be able to stay in the same house? Now do the same on the inside. Do you need safety improvements like grab bars in the bath, banisters on both sides of the stairs, better lighting? Ask your local Office for the Aging for information on safety in the home and support services that are available in your community. Consider consulting a Certified Aging in Place specialist who can make recommendations for making your home more accessible.

In addition, some locales are experimenting with “nursing homes without walls” designed to keep seniors in their own homes with a myriad of support services, including day programs and transportation. Again, your Office for the Aging will know if such programs exist in your area. Please see the links below for more information about options.

“Make provisions for the settlement of all outward affairs while in health, so that others may not be burdened and so that one may be freed to live more fully in the Truth that shall stand against all the entanglements, distractions and confusions of our times.”
Advices, PYM Faith and Practice 2002

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Downsizing and Spiritual Practice
Senior Co Housing and Intentional Communities

Other Articles/Links:

Friends Rehabilitation Program
Friends Life Care at Home
Naturally Occuring Retirement Communities
Friends Services for the Aging
Financing Long Term Care
Communities Without Walls

Adaptive Advices

Q: Is my home a place where all members of the family receive affection and understanding, and where visitors are welcome?
PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Assistive Devices can help people maintain self care skills and participate in their favorite activities. Communities benefit from diversity when adaptations are made to include people with physical or other disabilities. What are assistive devices and how can they help?

Grandpa’s knees hurt and he is having trouble getting out of his favorite chair. Marge has painted watercolors for years, but at 73 holding the brush has gotten painful. Irene’s bridge group has noticed she is having trouble distinguishing between the cards. All of these limitations can be resolved with assistive devices and home remedies.

First, if the limitation might be remedied with a wheelchair, a shower seat, a cane, walker or other equipment, get in touch with the medical provider and ask for a referral to an Occupational Therapist (OT) for an evaluation. Medicare covers the O.T.’s visit and several items she might recommend are also covered by Medicare with a doctor’s prescription. Consulting with a professional may help save money and effort—too many have bought a shower seat only to find it’s not the best model and they have to pay out of pocket.

Sometimes the solution becomes clear from observation. I watched Grandpa struggle to get out of his chair and noticed that his hips were lower than his knees. I suggested he get a recliner with a lift that would slowly rise until he was standing. However, this was a favorite chair, so instead, two cushions were put under his seat and now, with his hips higher than his knees, standing is less of a struggle. Marge’s arthritis meant that holding a paintbrush for long was painful. However, when a sponge was wrapped around the brush handle and secured with two rubber bands, she could paint much longer and pain free.

Irene’s macular degeneration meant that she no longer had any central vision. Her daughter called the Association for the Blind for a free in-home evaluation. They recommended several small changes in her home, such as a bright dot put on the thermostat at Irene’s favorite temperature, and a similar dot on the oven dial at a common temperature for baking. Then they showed Irene a catalogue of assistive devices so she could order large playing cards. They also suggested Irene would enjoy Talking Books and explained that the books she chose would be mailed to her for free, along with the machine to play them on.

Irene’s level of vision loss meant that she qualified for other free adaptations. The phone company would give her a phone with very large numbers, and she could receive free 411 information services since she could not read the tiny print of the phone book. Some services, such as tailored radio stations and Talking Books are available to the vision impaired, not just the blind, plus those who cannot read because of some other cause. The phone company also has special equipment for the hearing impaired that is available on a one time sliding scale payment.

This article has just touched the tip of the assistive equipment and devices available. You can find catalogues on line or through medical equipment stores, and see our list of links and other resources.

Considerations for Faith Communities:

Is your Meeting a safe, loving place?
When we become aware of someone’s need, do we offer assistance?
Are the meetinghouse and the Meeting property accessible to all?
— Queries from Philadelphia Yearly Meeting Faith and Practice, 2002

  • Know what resources and services are available in your area, such as your county Agency on Aging and the local chapter of the Association for the Blind, so that you can be prepared to share this information with Friends in need. Your regional organization, such as the Archdiocese or Quaker Yearly Meeting, may also provide information, and see our list of links and other resources.
  • Assess your place of worship for accessibility- physical, communication, and attitude.
  • Ask people using wheelchairs, walkers, and canes, or with vision impairment- can they safely access the building, including bathrooms and other areas? Do you have the proper variety of chairs, including some sturdy ones with arms? Consider consulting with a Certified Aging in Place Specialist to help determine what you may need to change.
  • Is information communicated in a way that is accessible and inclusive? Ask people with hearing or vision differences what will help them stay in touch with the rest of the community.Are there adaptations or devices that can be used, such as seating arrangements, audio systems in the Meeting room, availability of books on tape for your library?
  • Is there an attitude of inclusion? Is your community consciously inclusive of people with age related or other challenges in planning and facilitation of events and activities? Do you ask people what will help them participate?
  • As individuals are we open to receiving help and support, and if not, how can we help one another to be so?

“In joyful dependence, we can grow to be as fully human as possible, as thoroughly in the image of God as we are intended to be.”
Howard R. Macy, 1988, PYM Faith and Practice

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Including Everyone: Faith Community Care for People with Challenges
Living at Home Forever

Other Articles/Links:

Certified Aging in Place Specialist
Adapting the Home After a Stroke
Interfaith Disability Network
Interfaith Disability Advocacy blog

Sources/Further Reading:

National Organization on Disability, That All May Worship, 2005, Washington, DC.

Erik W. Carter, Including People with Disabilities in Faith Communities, 2007 Paul H. Brookes Publishing, Baltimore, Maryland.

Downsizing and Spiritual Practice

“We have a testimony about simplicity and we need to think about what that means in the world we’re living in right now. What does it mean to be lean and disciplined and not dependent upon our things?”
Kara Cole Newell, 1982, as quoted in PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Downsizing…or, Rightsizing

Your home is a work of art created by you, an expression of who you are and what is important to you. If there comes a time that you need to move to a smaller place, the emotional ties to home can be difficult and painful to unloose. It is also a time of spiritual opportunity, an invitation to live out Friends’ beliefs and testimonies, a time of grace and gratitude.

Moving from reluctance or refusal to gratitude is not a journey of chance, but one that should be planned, with directions, rest stops, and view points.

First, it’s helpful if we have been downsizing all along. One couple begins every January going through every closet, drawer, and bookshelf, deciding what is no longer needed, what could be passed on to someone who needs it more. Spending no more than an hour once a week keeps the job from becoming a chore; having boxes or bags at the ready marked ‘Meeting garage sale’ or ‘library book sale’ simplifies the decision making and the clean up.

If you are moving it can be helpful to move first, bringing just what fits your new home. Then dealing with what is left behind is simpler. Consider doing a floor plan with cutouts of pieces you want to take with you so you will know what fits where. It is much harder emotionally to move something and then find that it doesn’t fit. Remember to take what you need, and a few things that say who you are.

Some Friends find that the most difficult decisions involve family pieces that the younger generation does not want. We feel a responsibility to keep that antique bed, the patchwork quilt, in the family. Extend your search for a suitable home for such treasures to more distant family members, ask a museum if it is valuable enough to be included in their collection, or decide what good cause to donate the money to from its sale. Do not allow your life to be held hostage by things.

Sometimes it is a Friend’s children who insist that something be kept: “Dad’s papers are just too important!” Ship the papers to that child. Shortly after he bought his first house one Friend saw a moving van outside: his parents had bundled up all his stuff and sent it to him with no warning.

Taking pictures or a video of your house or particular items may ease the pain of moving. A Friend’s brother arranged similar items together, took a picture, then passed the items on. Having a last party or family gathering in the house allows time to express the feelings involved and the special memories. Another Friend wrapped items she wasn’t moving and everyone chose one as they entered the door.

One week a grandmother put out fancy dishes, another week tea cups, and invited each visiting grandchild to choose one, allowing the grandmother to see where things were going and how much pleasure her grandchildren took in receiving them. A mother handed each adult child a pad and pencil during their visit and asked them to write down what they hoped to inherit; another wrote the child’s name on the item.

One couple remained cheery about their downsizing knowing that all the proceeds from the estate sale were going to their Meeting.

Now, the spiritual part: letting go of what is, in the end, just stuff is a spiritual opportunity to live out the Testimonies of Simplicity and of Stewardship. It can be an outward act of inward removal of that which is not of God. It is an occasion of expressing gratitude for the plenty that we have been given, and for receiving the grace inherent in giving to those in need. It demonstrates to those around us how to live a life, how to deal with life’s diminishments in a gracious spirit.

Take the time to notice your feelings. Don’t do it all in one mad dash to move. Spend time in daily worship offering both your things and your attachment to them to the Creator. Be blessed.

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Aging with Peace
Housing Options
Senior CoHousing and Intentional Communities

Other Articles/Links:

National Association of Senior Move Managers
Vitality Magazine
Minimologist green professional organizer

Continuity and Coping

“I am learning to offer to God my days and my nights, my joy, my work, my pain and my grief. …I am learning to use the time I have more wisely…And I am learning to forget at times my puritan conscience which prods me to work without ceasing, and instead, to take time for joy.”
Elizabeth Watson, 1979, PYM Faith and Practice 2002

Despite the often negative images of aging presented to us, older adults report a much higher degree of life satisfaction and self-esteem than younger persons. In fact, older adults have very high levels of self-acceptance and contentedness. They have encountered life’s vicissitudes, its surprises and disappointments, paradoxes and mysteries enough to know that they most likely will cope with whatever the future holds. And, that coping is best done with the support of others in their community, family and friends.

Recent research even suggests that older adults are better at resolving communal conflicts. They are good at seeing clearly both sides of a dispute and mediating conflict with insight, wisdom and compassion, an ancient knowing modern science now affirms.

The equanimity that comes with aging is associated with a continuity of spiritual and person values, lifestyle choices and the valuing of interpersonal relationships. If spiritual development implies a journey, then continuity of values, or as Friends might say, our continued witness to the testimonies, is what makes the path we tread.

According to Robert C. Atchley in his book, “Spirituality&Aging” continuity represents “a character evolving over a lifetime of action and learning… struggle and joy and heartbreak.” It helps us form a solid base from which to cope with the changes and challenges of aging.

While continuity of values usually coexists with some discontinuity, for most aging adults it is the factor which provides an enduring and sustaining sense of purpose and direction to their lives. And, continuity does not just happen by chance, it is an intentional choice made by people “to achieve their goals and adapt to changing circumstances,” according to Atchley.

Continuity as an adaptation strategy is especially useful for aging adults. For Friends, the spiritual context of our lives is foundational to our understanding of what it means to be alive. If we neglect the spiritual as we face our aging, frailty, dying and eventual death, we stand to lose a most precious resource.

Q: How do I approach with serenity each new stage of my life?

Q: How might I attend to what love requires of me in this new stage of my life?

Friends Care Committees can offer aging Meeting members the opportunity to discern how best to plan their lives with continuity by providing clearness on many of the issues that face older adults. These may include:

  • Adjusting to retirement
  • Living with physical challenges and diminishing health
  • Coping with the behavioral changes associated with memory loss and dementia in oneself and others
  • Dealing with grief and bereavement over the death of peers and loved ones
  • Balancing the challenges of independent living and assisted living against personal care needs
  • Envisioning the prospect of changing one’s residence
  • Maintaining or repairing relationships with family and caregivers
  • Facing decisions about end-of-life care, death and dying.

A strong sense of continuity, in values and relationships can empower people to find greater fulfillment and contentment in their later years. If Friends can stay vitally connected to those experiences which give their lives meaning and purpose with hope and creativity, their inner lives will continue to blossom, bringing untold benefits to themselves and their meeting community.

“I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
Attributed to Stephen Grellet, c.1800, PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

Other articles/links:

Respecting Elders/Becoming Elders, YES! Magazine
ContemplAgeing, a spirituality and aging website
Grandmothers for Peace International
Green Grannies