Category Archives: Aging at Home

Downsizing and Spiritual Practice

“We have a testimony about simplicity and we need to think about what that means in the world we’re living in right now. What does it mean to be lean and disciplined and not dependent upon our things?”
Kara Cole Newell, 1982, as quoted in PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Downsizing…or, Rightsizing

Your home is a work of art created by you, an expression of who you are and what is important to you. If there comes a time that you need to move to a smaller place, the emotional ties to home can be difficult and painful to unloose. It is also a time of spiritual opportunity, an invitation to live out Friends’ beliefs and testimonies, a time of grace and gratitude.

Moving from reluctance or refusal to gratitude is not a journey of chance, but one that should be planned, with directions, rest stops, and view points.

First, it’s helpful if we have been downsizing all along. One couple begins every January going through every closet, drawer, and bookshelf, deciding what is no longer needed, what could be passed on to someone who needs it more. Spending no more than an hour once a week keeps the job from becoming a chore; having boxes or bags at the ready marked ‘Meeting garage sale’ or ‘library book sale’ simplifies the decision making and the clean up.

If you are moving it can be helpful to move first, bringing just what fits your new home. Then dealing with what is left behind is simpler. Consider doing a floor plan with cutouts of pieces you want to take with you so you will know what fits where. It is much harder emotionally to move something and then find that it doesn’t fit. Remember to take what you need, and a few things that say who you are.

Some Friends find that the most difficult decisions involve family pieces that the younger generation does not want. We feel a responsibility to keep that antique bed, the patchwork quilt, in the family. Extend your search for a suitable home for such treasures to more distant family members, ask a museum if it is valuable enough to be included in their collection, or decide what good cause to donate the money to from its sale. Do not allow your life to be held hostage by things.

Sometimes it is a Friend’s children who insist that something be kept: “Dad’s papers are just too important!” Ship the papers to that child. Shortly after he bought his first house one Friend saw a moving van outside: his parents had bundled up all his stuff and sent it to him with no warning.

Taking pictures or a video of your house or particular items may ease the pain of moving. A Friend’s brother arranged similar items together, took a picture, then passed the items on. Having a last party or family gathering in the house allows time to express the feelings involved and the special memories. Another Friend wrapped items she wasn’t moving and everyone chose one as they entered the door.

One week a grandmother put out fancy dishes, another week tea cups, and invited each visiting grandchild to choose one, allowing the grandmother to see where things were going and how much pleasure her grandchildren took in receiving them. A mother handed each adult child a pad and pencil during their visit and asked them to write down what they hoped to inherit; another wrote the child’s name on the item.

One couple remained cheery about their downsizing knowing that all the proceeds from the estate sale were going to their Meeting.

Now, the spiritual part: letting go of what is, in the end, just stuff is a spiritual opportunity to live out the Testimonies of Simplicity and of Stewardship. It can be an outward act of inward removal of that which is not of God. It is an occasion of expressing gratitude for the plenty that we have been given, and for receiving the grace inherent in giving to those in need. It demonstrates to those around us how to live a life, how to deal with life’s diminishments in a gracious spirit.

Take the time to notice your feelings. Don’t do it all in one mad dash to move. Spend time in daily worship offering both your things and your attachment to them to the Creator. Be blessed.

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LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Aging with Peace
Housing Options
Senior CoHousing and Intentional Communities

Other Articles/Links:

National Association of Senior Move Managers
Vitality Magazine
Minimologist green professional organizer

Role of the Spiritual Community in Care

Q: When we become aware of someone’s need, do we offer assistance? PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Often Meetings are shy about contacting Friends and attenders who might be in need of some sort of support. Meeting members say, “I don’t want to intrude”, or, “They’ll call us if they need something”, or, “We don’t do that.”

Actually, we should reach out, as we did historically, and, if not us, who then? Friends forget that it is not the clergy that we got rid of, but the laity: we are, all of us, the clergy, the preacher, the minister, the pastor, for our Meetings. As pastors, we have a responsibility to reach out to seniors, singles, and the no longer able, to ascertain what role Meeting needs to take in their support. Those who need our help most, may be the least able to ask for it. If the person rejects our help, at least we have tried.

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Allowing Yourself to be Cared For: Autonomy, Interdependence and Interrelationship

Q: Am I willing to offer assistance as part of my religious community serving its members? Am I equally willing to graciously accept the help of others? PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

“Temporarily able-bodied” is the term used by Nancy Eiesland, in her book The Disabled God, to refer to people who are not living with disabilities. In fact, at least half of us will experience some form of disability during our lifetime, either short term or lasting. As our population lives longer, being disabled will likely be inevitable for even the healthiest among us.

We live in a society that promotes independence and self-reliance. Friends may find themselves better prepared to offer care than to receive it. And, while we may be compassionate when others have needs, how willing are we to accept our interdependent natures when it comes to our dependency needs?

“Whenever major change disrupts any relationship-disability, or moving from one stage of life to another-everyone involved has to build a new relationship with the other if that relationship is to continue and flourish.” John Zeisel, PhD, pg.177, I’m Still Here: A Breakthrough Approach to Understanding Someone Living with Alzheimer’s.

This new relationship involves changed roles for people who need care- and caregivers. Understanding that we need to rely on others may not come naturally, but this acceptance can give us strength and allow us to focus on deeper aspects of our relationships. Accepting change allows us to make the most of our lives under changed conditions.

Here a few inspirational stories from people who have experienced major changes due to illness:

In PYM’s 2002 Faith and Practice, Jennifer Faulkner is quoted, “I have a vivid memory of looking down on myself on the bed; doctors and nurses worked on that body, and I felt held in such secureness, joy and contentment the utter rightness of things.” Later, as she experienced setbacks and finally recovery, she said she “never completely lost the memory of being held and the wonder at being alive.”

Ram Dass, in Still Here, writes, “Having accepted my predicament, I’m much happier than I was before. This troubles some of the people around me. They have told me that I should fight to walk again, but I don’t know if I wanted to walk. I’m sitting—that’s where I am. I’m peaceful like this and I’m grateful to the people who care for me…I’ve grown to love my wheelchair (I call it my swan boat) and being wheeled around by people who care.” Pg 6

These stories show how some have found peace with illness and disability. Many of us, when faced with challenges, need to work to reach such acceptance. This work may likely include acknowledging any losses our illness or disability presents.

Tips for Finding Peace with Being Cared for:

  • Think back to simple tasks and follow the trail of what truly enables a person to accomplish a task. For example, Joe went to the market for groceries, loaded them in the car, and put them away at home, all apparently without assistance. However, what if the workers had not been there to open the store, the farmers hadn’t grown the food, the traffic lights were not working? The point is, even the simplest tasks, when we really think about it, require a system of interdependence. You have participated in this system, and you still can, though perhaps in new ways.
  • Be mindful of what you can do, small and large. Make a list of what you are able to do for yourself, and be willing to think in small increments. You need help getting dressed, but you can make choices of what to wear, perhaps get one arm in one sleeve. Encourage your helpers to allow you to do what things you can, regardless of how small, and even if this slows things down. Think in big picture terms of what you can do as well— you can listen to others, give advice, appreciate beauty.
  • If losses come up (or frustration over what you can no longer do), honor your emotions. Hold yourself in the light as you would a friend who was experiencing what you are.
  • Practice gratitude for what you have, your experiences, and the people around you. List it. If you cannot write, allowing someone to record this for you will be a gift to that person.

“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.” Thomas Merton

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LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Ziestomverslowcre . Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this site:

Generativity and Aging
Role of the Spiritual Community in Care

Other articles/links:

Aging As A Spiritual Practice
Gratitude Log

Sources/Further Reading:

Ram Dass, Still Here – Embracing Aging, Changing and Dying, 2000, Riverhead Books, New York, NY.

Nancy Eiesland, The Disabled God, Toward a Liberatory Theology of Disability, 1994, Abingdon Press, Nashville, TN.

Mary Morrison, Without Nightfall Upon the Spirit, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 311, Pendle Hill, Wallingford, PA.

John Yungblut, On Hallowing One’s Diminishments, Pendle Hill Pamphlet, Pendle Hill, Wallingford, PA.

John Zeisel, PhD, I’m Still Here: A Breakthrough Approach to Understanding Someone Living with Alzheimer’s, 2009 Penguin Group, New York, NY.

Senior Co Housing and Intentional Communities

Q: What concrete steps can we take as a meeting to open awareness of new ways of living in and sharing our world and its resources?

Q: How am I helping to develop a social, economic and political system which will nurture an environment which sustains and enriches life for all? PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

An Intentional Community is a planned residential community whose members share resources and responsibilities, often organized around a common idea or value. For some older adults, moving into an Intentional Community or shared “Senior Co Housing” is an option to traditional retirement communities. An Intentional Community formed around common values allows one to live in a manner consistent with what one’s beliefs, for example an eco-village where practices support a sustainable environment. As we consider options for housing in our later years, Intentional Communities may present an option for living in an inclusive environment and in a way that is aligned with our testimonies and values.

A movement in intentional communities is growing among older adults. Senior or Older Adult Cohousing is a form of Intentional Community where residents participate in the planning and design of villages and live cooperatively, mutually supporting one another through the changes that aging can present. These communities allow residents to age in place while sharing resources for caregiving, property and home maintenance, and transportation. Neighbors look after one another and each member contributes his or her strengths to the community.

“…regardless of the future, man must enter into the possibilities of the present moment and let himself unite with the everlasting yet everchanging elements of the world in which he finds himself.” Elsie Marion Andrews, Facing and Fulfilling the Later Years, Pendle Hill Pamphlet*

In 1998, Jimmy Carter wrote in The Virtues of Aging, “Only 30% of American families are accumulating any long-term savings or pension benefits, while almost 45% are spending more than they earn.” With the more recent decline in our economy, even among those who have saved, many lost significant portions of their savings. Other have used retirement funds for more urgent needs while unemployed or underemployed. While Continuing Care Retirement Communities have been the option for many older adults, it is predicted that such options will not be affordable to the majority of us. For some, aging in place at home or with families will be an option. Others of us will need to consider new ways of living in our older years.

Statistics may be alarming, but might we take this as an opportunity to live our values? Can we honor our the truth of our interdependence and learn to rely on one another? Are there models from the past from which we may learn? Is it possible to live in harmony with a sustainable environment? While we consider how we will be cared for, are we also mindful of the world we will be leaving behind?

“…joy is the awareness of a harmony, a perfect fit, between the form of our life and its shape…” Howard E. Collier, Experiment with a Life. Pendle Hill Pamphlet*

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Adaptive Advices
Discernment for Long Term Care
Housing Options
Living at Home Forever

Other Articles/Links:

Fellowship for Intentional Community Website
FIC: Quaker walkers visit Rosewind Cohousing and Port Townsend Ecovillage
YES! Magazine: Of, By, and For Seniors: Japanese Senior Cooperatives
Friends Rehabilitation Program

Sources/Further Reading:

Diana Leafe Christian, Finding Community- How to Join and EcoVillage or Intentional Community, 2007, New Society Publishers, Canada.

Charles Durrett, The Senior CoHousing Handbook, 2009, New Society Publishers, Canada.

David Wann, Reinventing Community-Stories from the Walkways of Co-Housing, 2005, Fulcrum Publishing, Golden, Colorado

*Elsie Marion Andrews, Facing and Fulfilling the Later Years, Pendle Hill Pamphlet, Pendle Hill, Wallingford PA. and Howard E. Collier, Experiment with a Life. Pendle Hill Pamphlet, Pendle Hill, Wallingford PA. are available through the Pendle Hill Bookstore.

On Being a Grandparent

By Thomas G Wells, CR, CSBA

My Grandmother was born in 1895. She witnessed incredible progress in her lifetime – the introduction of automobiles, electric lights, and powered flight. She witnessed social events like the New Deal and the March on Washington. . She also witnessed horrible social catastrophes like WWI, the crash of 1929, WWII, the Viet Nam War. We lived close by and would often spend a Sunday afternoon at her home, until her death in 1973. She was born in the 19th century and here I am living in the 21st.

That realization – that three generations of a family can have their feet in two or three separate centuries – came to me when I was watching one of many TV documentaries that describe the effects of Global Warming by the year 2100. Scientists are predicting that the planet is going to be a lot hotter then, possibly 3 to 4 degree hotter on average. A hotter plant means rising sea levels, destruction of forests and crop lands, social upheaval. Can that be possible? What will Bucks County be like then? Like my Grandmother trying to imagine my 2008, it is hard to relate to those global impacts that will be common place in the 22nd century.

If my children have children, it’s very likely that those grandchildren of mine will have feet in 2100 and beyond. It might be hard to imagine what the 22nd century will be like, but imagine we must! We must not only imagine, we must act now to do something about it. The unborn grandchild, who I will someday hold in my arms, is going to be living with the consequences of what we now do or now don’t to protect our planet. Just as my Grandmother’s generation had to severely adapt to war and economic crashes, this generation must change our habits to the realities of diminishing oil, increasing CO2 levels, inequitable distribution of resources and wealth and a warming planet. The immediacy of our predicament may not be as readily apparent as it was to my Grandmother in those difficult times, but the consequences are as grave, if not more so, for us and our grandchildren.

All change starts with the individual taking personal responsibility and acting on it. Here are a few suggestions that can help save energy, save you some money, do something for the planet and all our grandchildren of the future:

1) Slow down in the car: it’s safer and saves a lot of gas and money.
2) Turn off the AC and the Heat for a few hours everyday.
3) Get an Energy Audit of your home. This will identify areas where air is infiltrating into the house envelope and provide you with strategies for filling the voids. If you are considering adding insulation to your attic, make sure you search for holes where air is coming up through the ceiling into the attic. Get a hatch or attic stairs cover. Look into dense pack cellulose and spray foam insulations. Floors are not as important as walls and ceilings in terms of payback.
4) Look into LED and florescent lighting. Most major lighting manufactures have lots of variety in florescent. We recently completed a Green kitchen remodel which used nothing but LED and florescent lights to good effect. Getting in touch with the future grandparent in me has put a lot of what I do on a daily basis in perspective. I know that I am not going to make it to 2100, but I will pretty soon know someone who will. Camara . Let’s do something great for them – Stop Global Warming and get off Mid-East Oil.

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. The websites will open in a new window, when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

Visit Tom’s Website