Category Archives: Meaningful Retirement

Simple Advice for Physical Well Being

We all recognize that good health is essential for a great retirement, but what does that actually mean? Do these quotes speak to your condition?

“Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.”
Attributed to John Wagner

“Like a lot of fellows around here, I have a furniture problem. My chest has fallen into my drawers.”
Billy Casper, about golf’s Senior Tour

Six simple keys to good physical health are maintaining:

  • Flexibility to bend down to pick up the newspaper
  • Strength to lift a suitcase into the overhead bin
  • Balance to safely step out of the tub
  • Endurance to rake the leaves
  • Weight at a reasonable level to reduce the need for knee or hip replacement
  • Aerobic exercise—20 minutes/three times a week is optimal

Everyone’s circumstances are different. You should always consult with your doctor or health practitioner before starting new exercise programs or after illness or other changes. Keep yourself moving to the best of your ability, not someone else’s standards. Keep in mind that you are more likely to be consistent with physical activity if you are doing something you love.

“Don’t waste a moment feeling sorry for what you can no longer do. Just be thankful for what your body will still do for you. Think how well and uncomplainingly it serves you every day and thank it, thank it every day.”
Mary C. Morrison, “Gift of Days” Pendle Hill Pamphlet 364*

Tips:

  • Yoga and Tai Chi are good ways to retain flexibility and balance.
  • Strength and endurance can be maintained at the gym, or by lifting a can of vegetables in each hand every which way or doing knee bends during the commercials of your favorite show. Leg lifts can also be done while seated.
  • There are plenty of exercise videos or exercise groups at senior centers or local fitness centers, including movements done exclusively sitting down.

“The only reasons to give up sex in retirement are the same reasons for giving up bicycling: you can’t, you don’t want to, or you don’t have a bicycle.”
Alex Comfort

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Adaptive Advices
Aging with Peace
Allowing Yourself to be Cared For
Being Present When Friends Are Ill
Sexuality in Mid and Late Life

Other Articles/Links:

Widener College Sexuality and Aging Blog
Yoga Journal
Chair Yoga blog
Simple Exercises from familydoctor.org
Dr. Andrew Weil’s website
Dr. Gourmet Healthy Recipes

Sources/Further Reading:

* Mary C. Morrison, “Gift of Days”, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 364, Pendle Hill, Wallingford PA.

Sexuality in Mid and Late Life

“In our personal lives, Friends seek to ackowledge and nurture sexuality as a gift from God for celebrating human love with joy and intimacy…Learning to incorporate sexuality in our lives responsibly, joyfully, and with integrity should be a lifelong process beginning in childhood.”
PYM Faith and Practice, 2002.

Sexuality in Mid and Late Life:
Excerpts from Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter
By Peggy Brick

The sexual scripts most of us learned as children are painfully inadequate for our lives as older adults. These scripts, instructing each of us how to think, feel, and act as male or female persons, commonly focus on the reproductive function of sex, define sex as penetrative intercourse only, stereotype gender roles, portray sex as for the young, discount gay, lesbian and bisexual persons, and generally discourage positive sexual attitudes. Such scripts need to be challenged.

In addition, many life changes require people to develop new expectations for their sexual lives. Loss of a partner through death or divorce, a variety of illnesses and disabilities, newrelationships, even the attitudes of one’s own children may require a new view of oneself as a sexual person.

Other barriers to older adults seeking sexual health and happiness are the current commercialization and the “medicalization” of sex, both of which promote quick (and expensive!) “solutions” to often complex interpersonal problems. An overwhelming array of “cures” tempt us: plastic surgery makeovers promise to correct every imperfection from wrinkles to “vulval unsightliness”; pills and a wild variety of penis enhancements guarantee larger, stronger, more powerful erections; an ever-more-exciting plethora of sex toys assure bigger, better orgasms; widely advertised videos assure us of “better sex for a lifetime.” Sexuality education aims to help people evaluate all the messages they receive from the media, advertisers, and pharmaceutical companies and then discover for themselves what can really enhance their sexual lives.

The following principles from Older Wiser, Sexually Smarter offer guidance for a healthy approach to sexuality and sexuality education in older adulthood :

Principles About Sexuality in Mid and Late Life

  1. Sexuality is a positive, life-affirming force. A positive approach to sexuality means acknowledging the pleasures, not just the dangers of sex.
  2. Older adults deserve respect. This respect includes an appreciation for individual sexual histories and the current stage of a person’s sexual journey.
  3. Older adults are not all alike. Older adults vary in their comfort with sexual language, in the discussion of sexual topics, and in participating in learning activities related to sexuality.
  4. Forget the cliche about “old dogs and new tricks”. Older adults are capable of writing new sexual scripts that can invigorate their sexual journeys. Sex is more than sexual intercourse, and there are many ways to be sexual without penetrative sex. Avoid the word “sex” whenever possible because of its vague meaning —when talking about intercourse, use the word “intercourse.”
  5. Older adults learn from each other. Older adults have many “lessons” to share and learn from each other. Discussing ideas with peers helps people take responsibility for their own learning.
  6. Older adults deserve accurate and explicit information, and also additional resources for discovery. Most people in this culture have lived with the message that sexuality is mysterious, secret, and shameful. Having access to the facts and a chance to talk openly helps people overcome those negative messages.
  7. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals must be acknowledged, respected, and included in discussions. Participants in your audience will likely mirror society, and therefore have a variety of sexual orientations and gender identities. Acknowledging all sexual orientations and identities can help make sure all participants feel included.
  8. Flexible gender role behavior is fundamental to personal and sexual health. Strict adherence to traditional gender roles and stereotypes limits individuals’ potential as human beings.
  9. Make no assumptions! Avoid making assumptions about the sexual behaviors or sexual orientations of participants in your sessions. Some may be currently involved in sexual activities, others may not. Some may be married or in relationships, others may not.

About Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter:

In 2003 Jan Lunquist and I created a teaching manual, New Expectations: Sexuality Education for Mid and Later Life, providing educators with 25 field-tested lessons for older adults. It aimed to help people “celebrate sexuality from birth until death.” Six years later, informed by many workshops, trainings, new resources and research reports, we have developed this completely revised (and renamed) second edition. It is greatly enhanced by the work of our two new authors, Bill Tavemer and Allyson Sandak, and by creative lessons from a number of new educators.

Our lessons encourage participants to identify the issues that confront them, re-think their old scripts, and consider how to create new and positive ways of being sexual as they age. Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter updates and expands all the lessons, includes three useful timelines, and adds lessons that address additional concerns including: intimacy and communication issues; masturbation; body image; spirituality; cyber sex, and how to talk about sex with your Physician.

Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter (Copyright 2009) is available through:
The Center for Family Life Education
Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey, Inc.
196 Speedwell Avenue
Morristown, NJ 07960
(973) 539-9580
www.ppgnnj.org
email hidden; JavaScript is required

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. The websites will open in a new window, when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

Widener College Sexuality and Aging website

Friends Meetings in New York and Philadelphia Yearly Meetings may call your Yearly Meeting office if you are interested in a workshop on Sexuality and Aging. Contact us here

Housing Options

Q: “What will this newfound present of old age and its unknown future demand of us?”
Mary Morrison, Without Nightfall Upon the Spirit, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 311

Retire according to your values: You will consult a pension specialist, call Social Security, and choose a Medicare supplement before you retire. Plans are made, goals set; you have been looking forward to this part of life for a long time.

Have you considered what you would like your spiritual life to be like in an intentional way? How do you intend to go deeper, discover meaning, be a gift to others? Thinking about this foundational part of your life will help other goals to fall into place, and will give you strength in challenging times.

Moving after retirement: Much as we would like to stay in our own homes, changes may make that impossible: you cannot climb stairs or drive, you feel too isolated where you are, your spouse dies and you do not feel safe alone. As you retire, imagine that you might move two or three times; first to a dream home or a smaller place, then to a place with more assistance, or closer to children. It may be unrealistic to say, “Don’t ever put me in one of those places.”

At some point in time, your physical and emotional needs may not be adequately met without additional support. Instead, consider educating yourself about available options, and let your loved ones know what you would prefer if you needed to live in a more supported environment. Maybe you will never need it, but it helps to prepare yourself emotionally if you do. Some options include:

  • Life Care and Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC) provide a continuum of housing and services, such as independent and assisted living, and skilled nursing care. This usually involves a “buy in” fee.
  • Senior Co-Housing is a form of intentional community where people pool resources for care of one another and with attention to values.
  • Aging in Place entails staying in one’s own home with supports if needed.
  • Skilled Nursing Facility provides round the clock nursing care.
  • Assisted Living usually provides personal care such as help with bathing and medicines, sometimes with some nursing care.
  • Independent Living usually has separate units with shared meals and services such as transportation. Some support for other needs may be available.

Moving to another state: Some surveys have found that 50% of those who move to another state in retirement move back within three years. To learn more about a place you are considering, get the local paper, notice prices and political issues; evaluate medical care; plan how you would replace present activities and contacts, and how long that might take. If you have visited for vacation, have you considered what the community is like in the off-season? Would moving closer to children mean that you’d see them more often?

Aging in Place: It is increasingly possible to stay in your own home as you age. More in-home services are becoming available, such as aides to help with bathing, or chore services that will rake leaves or wash windows. Most places have at least one grocery store that will deliver. Senior Centers and Adult Day Health Programs offer opportunities for socialization and support.

If you decide to spend your retirement in your current home, look around the outside as if you were 10 years older. Could you still put up the storm windows? Paint the second story? What needs to be changed or improved now so that you might be able to stay in the same house? Now do the same on the inside. Do you need safety improvements like grab bars in the bath, banisters on both sides of the stairs, better lighting? Ask your local Office for the Aging for information on safety in the home and support services that are available in your community. Consider consulting a Certified Aging in Place specialist who can make recommendations for making your home more accessible.

In addition, some locales are experimenting with “nursing homes without walls” designed to keep seniors in their own homes with a myriad of support services, including day programs and transportation. Again, your Office for the Aging will know if such programs exist in your area. Please see the links below for more information about options.

“Make provisions for the settlement of all outward affairs while in health, so that others may not be burdened and so that one may be freed to live more fully in the Truth that shall stand against all the entanglements, distractions and confusions of our times.”
Advices, PYM Faith and Practice 2002

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Downsizing and Spiritual Practice
Senior Co Housing and Intentional Communities

Other Articles/Links:

Friends Rehabilitation Program
Friends Life Care at Home
Naturally Occuring Retirement Communities
Friends Services for the Aging
Financing Long Term Care
Communities Without Walls

Generativity and Aging

“Live affectionately as Friends, entering with sympathy into the joys and sorrows of one another’s lives. Visit one another. Be alert to give help and ready to receive it. Bear the burdens of one another’s failings; share the buoyancy of one another’s strengths.”
Advices, PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

My Grandfather lived to the very old age of 98. He retired before I was born, moved in with us when he was in his eighties. He passed his days gardening in the shade, engineering contraptions to keep squirrels out of the birdfeeder and making current jam. He spent his nights reading and occasionally playing pool. He had a sturdy heart, and a few minor physical health issues, which meant occasional forays into the hospital and a hearing aid he rarely wore. In the years he lived with us a progressive dementia led him to repeat stories and wander, always in the same direction, following the creek and ending up in a neighbor’s back yard.

Adjusting to Grandpa’s challenges was not difficult, at least from a child’s perspective. We tuned our voices to accommodate his hearing loss, followed his tracks in the woods, accompanied him in the grocery store and accepted that he always bought the same three things, regardless of need. These adaptations I remember, largely by repetition. However, the smell of his mended cardigan, the brown felt of his ancient hats, they way he seemed as much a part of the woods as the trees themselves, those memories are ingrained in my very being. His setbacks were not recorded in my bones like the humus of leaf mold we used to bed the ferns for the winter. I suppose his gait slowed, but I could not describe that in the detailed way I can the sour of currant before it was sugared in the pot, the thrill of cold creek water on bare feet, and how it soaked the hems of our pants. I remember in detail the way he treasured his few possessions – the photographs of family and his son’s scrapbook of writing, how one gumdrop from the glass jar was precious, and enough. The changes that came to grandpa with illness and age were an accepted part of his and our routine. It is his essential teachings that shaped and formed me.

If we are lucky, we have a relationship with an elder or the memory of one to treasure. Yet we live in a complicated time. The values of our family and faith community about how we view older adulthood may conflict with messages in our fast-paced society that promote youth and productivity. We are encouraged to resist even the natural physical signs of our ripening to old age, smooth our wrinkles, subdue the silver in our hair, and keep moving. These messages suggest that growing older is a decline, and we may question our own purpose as we age. We know that despite any number of challenges, our elders are precious. How can we come to hold our own aging in the light that we view those who came before us?

“In primitive tribes we observe that the old people are almost always the guardians of the mysteries and the laws, and it is in these that the cultural heritage of the tribe is expressed. How does the matter stand with us? Where is the wisdom of our old people, where are their precious secrets and their visions?”
Carl Jung, “The Stages of Life”

Today, these questions raised in Carl Jung’s essay diverge from the messages of popular culture that promote eternal youth and productivity. Suggestions that we must look young saturate us, we are supposed to stay active, buy and produce, and there is little to encourage us to examine values or pass on wisdom. As Friends, our beliefs and values about growing old may contrast with much of what we experience in the larger world.

Examples of the preponderance of messages against aging abound on television, magazine ads, and on the internet. December 18, 2009, simple internet searches yielded the following:

  • “Anti Aging products”: 48,300,000 results
  • “Look Younger”: 70,500,000
  • “values”, “aging”: 12,500,000
  • “spirituality”, “aging”: 6,500,000
  • “Values in Aging”: 672.

In an attempt to be more specific, a search for “Quakers”, “Aging” and had a hopeful 270,000 results, only to discover that many had to do with (sorry, Friends) recipes calling for Quaker Oats. (Note: to their credit, articles related to aging on the Quaker Oats website talked about nutritional and exercise needs at various stages of life, and did not emphasize an unhealthy obsession with staying young.) Considering that much of the results for the search “values”, “aging” included advertisements for “Anti-Aging Value Packs”, numerous articles on marketing for older adult housing, and at least one story about an aging sports stars ”losing value”, the priorities, at least related to what is promoted and talked about on the internet, are evident. Instead of befriending the ripening that comes with age and cultivating all that has to offer, we are encouraged to fight the natural process of aging as if it is an enemy.

Print or internet advertising and television commercials may not have as much influence on Friends and others who are clear in their values or who intentionally avoid media where such things are rampant. However, we cannot ignore the widespread impact of media messages on the world around us, nor can we ignore that these messages not only influence our culture, but also reflect it. We live in a world of unrealistic expectations, and the focus on eternal youth blurs the voices of the aged and diminishes the value of old age.

“If we take seriously the nurture of our children in the worshiping group, we must start re-appraising the whole life of the group. What kind of communication exists between us all? Do we know one another as people sharing joys and sorrows?…Are we across all ages a community learning together? Do we constantly look for experiences that can be shared by the whole community?…”
Peggy McGeoghegan, 1976 PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

We are at risk of neglecting the vital contribution elders can make: seasoned wisdom, institutional memory, historical lessons, and gentle perspective that develops over time. As much as we cherish our grandparents and elder community members, we cannot deny that for many, an aura of anxiety about aging and diminishment shrouds our view of the elderly.

This anxiety may block our access to the heart of the person within the aging body. We hear only the weakened voice, not the wisdom it speaks. We lose sight of the person as if they are gone with their lost memories, and miss the precious focus of this moment in their lifetime. In our communities, we segregate the most frail and needy, providing care and comfort, but often forgetting that this person has something to contribute to us as well. Unless we recognize the worries and stigma that affect our individual responses to the elderly and others who face challenges, we will have difficulty finding a healthy acceptance of aging that allows us to make the most of our own lives and relationships.

Is Aging an Option?

This question appeared as a pop-up ad on my computer screen after I had conducted the series of age-related internet searches. Though the advertisement suggests otherwise, aging is not an option. We all have been aging since we were born and we will continue to do so until we die. None of us knows what lies ahead on our path through the journey of aging. If we live long lives, as most people do nowadays, we may reach a point where we are no longer productive economically, or perhaps we are more physically, cognitively, or emotionally dependent on others. Does accepting aging and other challenges mean we resign ourselves to a segregated life of leisure while others carry on the “real work”? What then, is our role to be?

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Celebrating Aging in Your Faith Community
Celebrating Lives and Life Stories
Generational Relationships: Advices and Queries
Older Adulthood and Stewardship of the Environment

Other Articles/Links:

Sage-ing Guild
Green Seniors
Generations United

Diversity by Tom Atlee

Diversity is as big as the universe

by Tom Atlee

Diversity is difference. It is a natural phenomenon, intimately related to uniqueness and identity. There is a rich world of discovery awaiting us when we are ready to fully encounter our diversity. But first we have to lift our heads above the bustle around us and look at the big picture.

As important as it is to have women executives and people of other races in our neighborhoods, diversity is way, way bigger than that.

Our use of the word “diversity” primarily to address issues of racism, classism, sexism, and other oppressive isms has blinded us to the fact that diversity is a vast fact of life, deeply embedded not only in humanity but in natural systems and in the very fabric of the universe.

Diversity, like fire and genius, can be problematic. And like fire and genius, diversity has creative power we can use to make life better.

Co-intelligence is largely about using diversity creatively. Understanding diversity is an important part of working consciously with co-intelligence.

This article is an exploration of how big diversity actually is…

Diversity is a fundamental property of the universe, along with matter, energy, space, time, relationship, unity, and many other phenomena that are present everywhere. Everything that you see (or don’t see) that is different from anything else — and every difference between them — is an aspect of diversity.

So diversity exists. Everywhere. It is a fact of life.

But there’s more to it than that.

Diversity makes life interesting. “Variety is the spice of life.” If every house on the block looked the same, if every restaurant served the same food, if everyone talked at us for hours in a monotone about things we already knew — well, then life just wouldn’t have much aliveness, would it? I have a funny feeling some of us would do something about that…

Think diversity.

Diversity makes whole systems possible: You need diverse parts to make a bicycle. A barrel of handlebars won’t do the job. Likewise, an ecosystem is made up of diverse species, making up complex food chains and cycles that keep the whole thing going.

Relationship, community, interdependence, mutuality — even the entire economic system with all its different jobs and products and services and forms of exchange — are all totally dependent on diversity.

As is freedom. Uniqueness is the inside face of diversity. If I want to “be myself” and “do things my way,” I have to live in a culture that respects diversity. The more free a society, the more diversity it tends to generate. And that diversity tends to beget even more diversity as diverse people, stimulated by each other, find new ways to be unique…

Diversity is key to resilience. “Diversify,” say the investment counsellors. If one variety fails, life can switch to another. This is the principle behind biodiversity: If all our corn is genetically identical, and a virulent bug attacks it, it may all be killed off. If our corn is genetically diverse, then some of it will succumb and some will survive. The survivors will reproduce, resulting in greater resistance to that bug. (Of course this natural selection process is busily at work on the bugs, too, so the dance goes on. But for any given species, its diversity — and the diversity of the organisms and systems it depends on — is a vital factor in its survival.)

If everyone depends on one mega-corporation for a monopolized product… If everyone uses the same operating system for their computers… If all the production facilities use the single most efficient form of production… If all the ferries are put out of business so all traffic must go on the bridges… If we all get our electricity from a single grid with no distributed local energy sources…. we make ourselves vulnerable to the collapse of the single things we all depend on. This is what freaked people out about Y2K, that it would knock out some basic central systems, triggering a catastrophic domino effect. This is a nightmare for terrorist emergency response planners, that terrorists could knock out some vital link in some technological system that we all depend on, for which there is no good alternative. Alternatives, diversity — even redundance — are key to resilience.

Diversity has many other roles, as well. Perhaps the most important is that it makes synergy dynamic. Three metal bars welded together into a triangle are stronger (more synergistic) than three metal bars welded into any other shape. That’s why engineers use steel triangles to build bridges and industrial support structures. But that’s static synergy. If you want to see dynamic synergy, check out the conversations between scientists like Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, or any other people passionate about a subject, who have different views but share a dedication to finding greater truth. Since each sees things from a different perspective, they can see each other’s blind spots and evolve together into bigger, clearer ways of seeing the world.

Or you can simply contemplate the synergy between your lungs and your heart, or between oxygen-breathing animals and carbon-dioxide breathing plants, or between musicians in a jazz combo, jamming… The synergy in all these cases is dynamic and alive, thanks to the diverse participants in the dance.

Among us humans, diversity is virtually infinite. A good long list of characteristics is provided in an article on “Human Diversity.” Our diversity is a resource. In particular, we can tap our diverse strengths — skills, aptitudes, forms of intelligence, experience — in ways that make us much more powerful than we could ever be separately.

This is a fundamental principle of modern social organization: Make a lot of diverse specialists, producers and consumers and then connect them up to exchange information, services and products. The “invisible hand” of interlinked diversity in economic systems works by itself — although if you don’t design it right, it can have enough of the wrong kind of power and momentum to destroy a planet!

In short: Diversity has creative potential in it. The key is using diversity well. That’s one of the defining characteristics of co-intelligence — using diversity creatively.

OK. So that’s the bright side of diversity. Now let’s take a look at the all-too-familiar dark side.

Diversity is about differences. Diversity all too often means dissonance — discomfort, dissent, disagreement, conflict, polarization, battles — even oppression, war, terrorism and genocide. The list of horrors is enough to make some of us cringe back into polite (or even enforced) conformity and homogeneity.

One of the saddest facts of our human history is our use of our differences to disrespect and oppress one another. Not only has this produced a depth and breadth of human suffering that is hard to comprehend and heal, but it has eclipsed all other forms of human diversity. Today, when someone says “diversity,” most people think of different races, different genders, different classes, different sexual preferences — all the differences that have been used oppressively. Few realize that the diversity within any of these classes (women, black people, people of wealth) far exceed their similarities. And even fewer realize that those eclipsed differences are where the greatest potential synergies lie, to help us have thriving communities and a surviving civilization.

This is the legacy we face from attempts to establish usually (but not always) light-skinned heterosexual cultures dominated by property-owning men. We are thankfully breaking out of that, with great energy and at great cost. As we move through that cultural task, we need to expand our consciousness to embrace our full diversity.

Efforts at sameness are doomed to failure. The seeming comfort of conformity and homogeneity (which only masquerade as unity) tends to undermine co-intelligence. The synergy and potential — described above — are lost. The dragons of dissonance that we banish to netherworlds have a habit of surfacing again elsewhere, at other times, with even greater inconvenience and destructiveness and even more terrifying roars.

So what do we do?

Ultimately the creative use of diversity involves having some kind of common ground to stand on while exploring difficult differences. One of the most dependable forms of common ground is what I sometimes call our “core commons” — that place in all of us that is rooted in our shared humanity, our shared aliveness, our shared spirit.

Whether through our own personal development, through good group process (helped perhaps by facilitators or mediators), or through fortunate religious or cultural conditioning, we may be able to see each other through our differences to the depths of our commonality. When this is done in healthy ways, it isn’t done to deny our differences, but to maintain heartful, mindful pathways between us as we seek to understand our differences and their role in what comes next. We want our differences to make us powerful partners, not aliens and enemies.

Other forms of common ground include shared goals, visions, values, passions and purposes — or shared crises that render all other factors miniscule in comparison. Shared history, culture and language can make it much easier to work through differences, as can being together in the same place.

There are many other forms of common ground, as well. But nothing can replace really listening to each other — hearing each other’s stories, thoughts and feelings — in the faith that we are all trying to do what makes sense to us, at some level, and that we can ultimately understand each other’s diverse ways of making sense. Sometimes it takes a third party, a “designated listener” (mediator, facilitator, counsellor, diplomat) to make such a deep hearing possible. And so we find and train and become such people because real listening is likely to make all the difference in the world.

And as we become more skilled, we find ourselves able to bring together the torn fragments of our communities and societies. We realize that for the healing to happen it need not unfold within and among every single individual. The healing can happen — to a surprising degree — among the differences themselves, archetypally and publicly. Notably diverse people can be brought together in public forums and helped to fully hear each other. The community or whole country can watch them come to terms with both their differences and their deep humanity. And what if the world watches them suddenly becoming co-creative, making a better life for themselves and their children, side by side with people who were so different? And what if this happens over and over…?

There is a breakthrough dormant in this ability to work with such “microcosms of our diversity.” There is elegance and power in selecting from a community an intentionally diverse group of citizens and helping them hear each other and co-create together in ways that everyone in the community can see and benefit from. There is a long track of such “consensus conferences,” “citizen panels” and “wisdom councils” to show the potential of this approach. Both the healing and the juicy creativity available through good use of diversity in such a group can — especially if it is very visible — ripple out into the world, transforming the way we address diversity in all parts of our societies.

When we come right down to it, however, this is often easier said than done. Thankfully, there’s more to it than how hard it may be: When it is done well — when we have used our diversity truly creatively to free the insights, relationships, and possibilities waiting to be born from our interactions — the results are nothing short of magical.

Our challenge, then, is to learn to perform this magic to the best of our ability, and to expand our capacity to perform it continually — and to create families and organizations and communities and cultures and democratic institutions where this magic happens routinely because everyone involved knows that diversity is a treasure. They are not about to let it be destroyed, denied or wasted.

Diversity, like fire, is a powerful part of life. Let us use it well on our shared journey, weaving our unique stories into new possibilities around the great shared fire of life.

Visit The Co-Intelligence Institute website