Q: Am I mindful that my human interaction with nature be responsible, guided by a reverence for life and the splendor of God’s continuing creation? PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

New York Yearly Meeting ARCH (Aging Resources, Consultation and Help) program staff, in facilitating workshops across New York State, have encountered several Friends and Meeting attenders who are not familiar with the customary form of Quaker funerals in which burial is a private event attended by family and that the Memorial Meeting is held instead of a funeral and scheduled at the convenience of the family. Often the Memorial Meeting is several weeks or months later; also, more than one may be held to accommodate those living at a distance.

Friends might also be surprised to learn that there are practices for caring for one’s body after death that may be more aligned with our belief in right Stewardship of the Environment than the more common burial practices of today.

For example, no state requires embalming and vaults are only used for the convenience of cemeteries because they keep the ground from subsiding, making it easier to mow the grass. This also maintains the fiction that it is “only grass.”

Many Friends chose not to be embalmed on learning that all caskets and vaults eventually leak the embalming chemicals into the ground and hence, into the water table. Some funeral homes will agree to keep the body refrigerated until a brief period of viewing before burial. There are also cemeteries that don’t require vaults. If the cemetery does require a vault there are some vaults that are open on the bottom to allow the natural processes to happen. Friends may be heartened to know of other practices that are respectful to the environment.

Green Burial and Cremation

Alternative practices for caring for the dead are becoming more common and include:

• Green burials with no embalming, no casket, no vault in land reserved for conservation.
• Care of the body at home, sometimes with the help of a “death midwife” who comes to the house to teach and assist the family in preparing the body for viewing at home or elsewhere. Not all states permit this. In states that require funeral directors to be involved in most or all of the steps for preparation and burial, there are some funeral directors who will allow the family to assist or who agree to oversee the family’s preparations.
• Myriad ways to scatter ashes, including reef burials where ashes are used to restore ocean reefs (see websites below; also read Grave Matters by Mark Harris).
• Homemade, inexpensive and/or more environmentally friendly coffins. One can find plans online for coffins, as well as kits, and some businesses that will pre-build the coffin of your choice. We heard a story of a young man who found great peace in building the coffin after his father’s death. The casket does not have to be purchased at the funeral home but can be bought online, at great savings, and the funeral home must accept it.

…when you see the Kob Antelope on the way to the farm,
When you see the Kob antelope on the way to the river—
Leave your arrows in the quiver,
And let the dead depart in peace.
Yoruba Funeral Song

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LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Advance Directives
End of Life Decision Making and Quaker Testimonies
Grief
Hospice Care
Older Adulthood and Stewardship of the Environment

Other articles/links:

Home Funeral Manual general guide for congregations and committees
Funeral Consumers Alliance with information about regulations in your state
Be a Tree natural burial information
Love to Know death and dying and find information on green burials, regulations, and connections to other sites
Sources/Further Reading:

Ernest Morgan, Dealing Creatively with Death, 2001, Upper Access Inc., Hinesburg, Vermont.

Mark Harris, Grave Matters, 2001, Scribner, New York, NY

Vigiling is the opportunity to put aside the physical and medical concerns about the dying person and focus on the spiritual. While vigiling, one prays and focuses attention on the dying person, to create a setting of love and not fear.

Quakers can offer a significant type of vigil with the dying as a Meeting for Worship. This prayerful sitting with a dying person in expectant worship was a common practice in the 1700s. Worshippers anticipated ‘walking with the dying person’ as they passed over. It was felt that there might come a message to provide direction and guidance for those left behind, but most importantly it meant that people did not die alone. In today’s world it is difficult to define when a person will actually die, but a Meeting for Worship is a strong gift at any point in the dying process.

There are often stages in the dying process. Initially, a person becomes introspective, draws inward and reflects on his or her life. This thoughtfulness can lead to concerns about unfinished business with relationships. Tiosgenphyroheal . As part of vigiling, a Friend can assist the person to write a letter or make a needed connection. Simply being a good listener to these life stories, meaningful times the person recalls and significant people in their life, is important.

As the body weakens, more time is spent sleeping as well as in altered consciousness. The dying person travels into another realm and then back again. This experience can be very joyous. Often they are ‘visioning’ or encountering loved ones who have already died. A vigiling Friend can provide support by listening, asking questions, and validating the dying person’s experience, acknowledging that though the body may be weakening, the mind and spirit may be very much engaged. For more ideas about vigiling read, Attending the Dying, a Handbook of Practical Guidelines by Megory Anderson, author of Sacred Dying.

The last of the senses to dim is hearing. There are a variety of resources to have available to nurture a dying person. Music is especially good. Live string music that does not have a familiar tune, such as harp music, can be helpful, but not always. It is important to note how the person responds to the music. Sometimes familiar music seems the obvious choice, but it can produce a strong emotional response making it hard for a person to let go. Hymns with a message of death, such as “I’ll Fly Away,” may open up that space. Scripture or poetry read in measured doses can bring solace. Remember that even in an unconscious state a person can hear, so keep conversations outside the room and provide soothing sound or sacred silence.

While listening to life stories or music, perhaps the most satisfying, tender offering to a dying person can be touch. If the dying person agrees, hold the hand and gently massage or offer to massage the feet with scented oil. This type of touch brings relaxation, can relieve pain, and can open trust and confidence. The mind and soul are more free to go through the natural dying process.

It is a gift to be allowed to walk with another person through the dying process. Certainly it is helpful to have experience around the dying. Sometimes it is easier for a non-family member to guide the vigiling experience. Family can be so emotionally involved it is difficult to stay focused on the dying person. It is helpful for everyone to go through hospice volunteer training to garner experience and confidence in being with the dying. Further experience can be garnered through therapeutic touch and vigil training. It would be helpful for every Monthly Meeting to have access to a person skilled and called to support vigiling.

“I have inwardly listened around the words and feelings of those who are dying finding the work of God echoing in my heart and I have intuitively come to know that death is spiritual birth, the completion of God’s work upon us.”
Lucy Screechfield McIver, A Song of Death, Our Spiritual Birth: A Quaker Way of Dying, Pendle Hill Pamphlet

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LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Being Present When Friends Are Ill
Care of the Caregiver
Grief
Hospice Care
Role of the Spiritual Community in Care

Other Articles/Links:

www.sacreddying.org provides training on being with the dying.
www.therapeutictouch.org explains the value and uses of therapeutic touch.

Sources/Further Reading:

Megory Anderson, Sacred Dying, Creating Rituals for the End of Life, 2003, Marlowe and Company, New York, NY.

Kirsten Backstrom, In Beauty, A Quaker Approach to End of Life Care, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 355, 2010, Pendle Hill, Wallingford, PA.

Denys Cope, RN, BSN, Dying: A Natural Passage, 2008, Three Whales Publishing, Santa Fe, NM..

Marie de Hennezel, Intimate Death, How the Dying Teach Us How to Live, 1998, Vintage Books, New York, NY

Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, Final Gifts, Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying, 1997, Bantam Books, New York, NY.

Q: How do I make provisions for the settlement of all outward affairs, so that others may not be burdened and so that I may be freed to live more fully in the truth? The Advices, PYM Faith and Practice

Most Friends have some awareness of the Testimonies and how central they are to the Religious Society of Friends, since they take the place of a creedal statement. With the introduction of the mnemonic ‘SPICES’ to help young people remember the Testimonies, an increasing number of adult Friends can name each of the Testimonies as well: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship. Sometimes lagging, however, is the ready application of the Testimonies to everyday situations and decision making.

This is particularly true of end-of-life decision making. Too often Friends make those decisions in the context of the surrounding culture, rather than use the Testimonies as a context and guide to making decisions in the manner of Friends.

Simplicity guides Friends in the choice of burial arrangements, how the Memorial Meeting is conducted, and any reception afterwards. It also guides Friends to make decisions ahead of time, pre-planning and, perhaps, pre-paying.

Peace for some Friends means having their wishes clearly stated in advance directives and wills to keep family members from arguing over their care or about distribution of the estate. The Testimony of Peace invites Friends to make peace, to forgive and ask for forgiveness of any and all. To say, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you,” is the greatest gift that can be bestowed on those left behind.

Integrity speaks of honesty and truth telling, having one’s affairs in order, living a life that is of a piece. Integrity calls Friends to an honest assessment of their medical situation and speaking of it truthfully to all. Integrity means honestly facing one’s diminishments and need for care; accepting that the feeling of being independent and in control may come to an end, for, in truth, people are never as independent and in control as they imagine.

Community reminds Friends that they are part of a worshiping community and as such, they have a responsibility to offer help and support to each other when there is a need, whether that is listening, driving, or praying. Community also recognizes the requirement to accept the gifts of care, help, and support offered by the worshiping community. It is in this mutuality of giving and receiving that we act on our testimony of community.

Equality calls Friends to be fair in their dealings with family, not treating anyone as a “favorite.” It can also invite consideration of “Jubilee,” that is, restoring justice, making amends in either a personal or a global sense.

Stewardship is the newest Testimony and not named by all Yearly Meetings. Stewardship reminds Friends that we have borrowed the earth from future generations. That understanding might impact decisions about embalming, preparation of the body, and choice of burying grounds. Reflection on the requirements of Stewardship should also prompt Friends to have their affairs in order.

“Help me to loosen, fiber by fiber, the instinctive strings that bind me to the life I know. Infuse me with Thy spirit so that it is Thee I turn to, not the old ropes of habit and thought. Make me poised and free, ready when the intimation comes to go forward eagerly and joyfully , into the new phase of life that we call death…
…Give me joy in awaiting the great change that comes after this life of many changes, let myself be merged in Thy Self as a candle’s wavering light is caught up into the sun.”
Elizabeth Gray Vining, 1978, from PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Advance Directives
Green Burial and Other Options
Hospice Care
Slow Medicine

Other Articles/Links:

Minute from Northern Yearly Meeting on Preparing for the End of Life

Sources/Further Reading:

Kirsten Backstrom, In Beauty, A Quaker Approach to End of Life Care, Pendle Hill Pamphlet 355, 2010, Pendle Hill, Wallingford, PA.

Denys Cope, RN, BSN, Dying: A Natural Passage, 2008, Three Whales Publishing, Santa Fe, NM.

Hank Dunn, Hard Choices, Fifth Edition 2009, A&A Publishers, Inc., Lansdown, VA or order online.

Lucy Schreechfield McIver, Song of Death, Our Spiritual Birth, A Quaker Way of Dying, Pendle Hill Pamphlet, Pendle Hill, Wallingford, PA.