Category Archives: Emotional Care

Book Review: Share the Care

Share the Care, How to Organize a Group to Care for Someone Who is Seriously Ill
By Cappy Caposella and Sheila Warnock

Book Review by D. Rein, Third Haven Monthly Meeting, Easton, Md.

In the mid-1990s Friends Journal published an article about a young man with AIDs living with the support of a care committee established by his friends. When I mentioned it to a Friend from Third Haven Friends Meeting, she referred me to the book, Share the Care. As an educator and social worker, reading this book led me on a journey that continues today. When an attender at our meeting, also a skilled middle school art teacher, received a second cancer diagnosis that was predicted to be terminal, I shared the Friends Journal article and care committee concept with her. She contacted me and asked to set up a care committee, “before,” as she put it, “things got too hairy.” Following the process detailed in Share the Care ten of her friends whom she selected joined together for the two-year support to the end of her life.

The book, Share the Care, and the website, sharethecare.org, provide a detailed guide for establishing, operating and maintaining a care committee for someone with an illness who would benefit from support, a complementary process to the Guidelines for Care in Faith and Practice. This person retains their personal power in that they select the proposed committee members as well as two organizers who invite those people to an initial meeting. At this meeting specific activities following scripts in the book help people get to know each other, provide information and organize. From then on, the gathered personal information of team members, “wills and won’ts” of their possible contributions, and captain pairs, who set up schedules on a regular basis after consulting with the beneficiary of help, run on a continuing basis depending on the person’s needs and wants. In the beginning my art teacher friend just wanted a daily phone call to check in; later company to doctor visits, a motorcycle passenger ride, and practical supports were incorporated into our plans. We enjoyed her company and all benefited from the experience.

Share the Care is based on THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR CAREGIVERS
PRINCIPLE # 1:
SHARING RESPONSIBILITY ISTHE KEY TO NOT “BURNING OUT.”

PRINCIPLE # 2:
IT WON’T WORK UNLESS EVERYONE GAINS SOMETHING PERSONALLY.

PRINCIPLE # 3:
KNOW YOUR LIMITS AND STICK TO THEM.

PRINCIPLE # 4:
THERE’S NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT

PRINCIPLE # 5:
ANYONE WHO WANTS TO HELP SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED.

PRINCIPLE #6:
TRUST THE GROUP; SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

PRINCIPLE #7:
KEEP YOUR OWN LIFE IN GOOD WORKING ORDER.

Share the Care provides extensive guidance and suggested scripts for conducting the organizing meeting and organizational processes. Book sections include: What is a Caregiver Group and Who Needs One?, Starting Your Group and Making It Run, Being Part of a Group and Sharing the Jobs, Keeping the Group and Yourself Going, and Beyond the Group: Changed Lives. Detailed information and suggestions in each section’s chapters provide a practical guide for anyone interested in helping a friend. Doing so in a well-organized manner helps the beneficiary, facilitates connections and actually results in everyone learning and growing together. As principle three notes: everyone gains something personally. This easy to read and follow guide enhanced the life of my artist friend, my life, and the lives of her Share the Care committee.

Diana M. Rein is a Masters Social Worker with over thirty years of experience as an educator. She specializes in interactive workshops for adult learners. Her presentation on Share the Care reflects her personal experience facilitating care committees to empower patients and support caregivers. Other available continuing education programs include SMART Recovery, SMART Family and Friends, Speak Up, Ethics topics and Peer Mediation. She is a knitter, a piano student and teaches the Motorcycle Safety Program under the auspices of the state of Maryland. Diana can be reached at email hidden; JavaScript is required

Diana Rein is a member of the 2025-2026 Quaker Aging Resources (QAR) Support Group. Upon mentioning this book and her experience, Diana was asked to prepare this article. A pamphlet written in 2010 in QAR Being Present When Friends are Ill | Quaker Aging Resources is another resource for Meetings and Friends. Additional programs on aging created by Third Haven were shared on PYM News. Third Haven Helps Members and Attenders Navigate Life Stages as Friends · Philadelphia Yearly Meeting

Support for sharing this information was initiated by Sheila Sorkin, PYM, Aging Support Coordinator. This article is to provide support, resources and engage the aging community of the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting as part of the “To Brighten Your Day” series.

Meetings: A Model of Care for Loss

Eighteen months ago, Northhampton Friends Meeting (Northampton, Massachusetts) Pastoral Care Committee co-clerk, Joanna Dalin began facilitating a monthly Coping with Loss (CWL) group with two facilitators and an elder holding the group. Joanna is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who specializes in working with college students, and her work is also shaped by her life as a writer. Her leadings focus on creating intimate communities where needs are met with integrity and care.

On March 17, the New England Yearly Meeting hosted a workshop, An Introduction to Coping with Loss groups, supported by Friends Foundation for the Aging. Joanna began the session with a quote, “To ‘listen’ another’s soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.” — Douglas Steere, On Listening to Another (1955) Joanna Dalin provided friends, Meetings and Quarters to learn about this meaningful program as follows.

What is a CWL group?

It is a meeting for worship with attention to grief and loss.
It is a peer support space, led by at least one facilitator who provides structure and supported by an elder who helps hold the group and attend to Spirit.
It meets monthly—in our Meeting, on Zoom only—for an hour and fifteen minutes.
It is open and drop-in—people can attend as needed, and they do not have to commit to coming each time.
Its purpose is to offer support and accompaniment to those who are experiencing or processing loss.
And over time, it becomes a small community.

How does a CWL group work?

We use the basic model of worship sharing. We sit together in silence and listen for the leadings of Spirit as we hold one another’s experiences of grief and loss.
From that deep and sacred place, Friends may share what is present for them in the moment.
Each month there is a suggested topic related to grief and loss, and …
Friends are always welcome to speak to other aspects of grief and loss that are on their minds and in their hearts.

The workshop included a 35 minute experience, rather than the actual group’s process for 75 minutes of sharing. The experience included the Topic: What is your relationship with grief and loss?

How are you relating to grief and loss as spring approaches?
What role do grief and loss play in your spiritual life today?
What needs (either personal or communal) do you see around grief and loss? This was followed by a debriefing both clinical and spiritual with time for questions.

What does a CWL facilitator do?

1. I open the group with a quote to meditate on and an invitation to worshipful silence. This opening is a threshold experience. It’s an invitation into a sacred space created with Spirit and beloved community to hold grief and loss. I think of such practice as “co-regulation with Spirit in the presence of community.” This means that our nervous systems start to calm when we gather and listen for Spirit’s wisdom. Such down-regulation (meaning calmness as we move into more relaxed states) can soothe feelings of grief and fear.
2. I break the silence and welcome new attenders and people who have not attended for a while. Again, the facilitator gathers and names the community, letting Friends know that they belong.
3. I offer a brief opening reflection. I’ve noticed that it’s powerful to connect my opening reflection to the seasons or other cycles in nature.
4. I introduce the group’s topic. This topic may connect to the imagery in the opening quote and/or reflection. If the opening silence is the threshold, then the topic is the gateway. It’s how we focus group members’ attention as a body and offer a shared direction for thoughts and feelings. Some recent topics in NFM groups have been “How do we build lives that can hold our suffering?” (tied into Lent) and “Daily experiences—including social experiences—that bring up grief and loss.” But the topic is only a suggestion. Group members may speak about anything that rises related to grief and loss.
5. I read the Guidelines and Norms. I think a lot about providing structures or containers, which help group members feel safe and held. The idea of “the container” comes from clinical group therapy—among Friends, it’s so helpful that we already have Spirit as the container. When I facilitate in our community, I see my role as creating safe and clear structures so that Spirit can do its work.
6. I invite group members to check in. In a regular CWL group, check-ins are more substantial than today’s: they comprise a “first round” during which most group members briefly introduce something they have been carrying that they will share more about later.
7. I introduce queries related to the group’s topic. There are usually around three or four queries, which I paste into the chat. Again, group members may address these queries or other concerns.
8. I hold a Meeting for Worship with Attention to Grief and Loss. This is the main course! How this part of the group works has been one of the biggest aha moments I’ve had in this experience. In secular grief groups, facilitators often enforce trauma-informed limits so that group members are not vicariously traumatized. But Friends are familiar with the practice of worship sharing. We already know the practice of creating space for all kinds of experiences, even ones that may be quite traumatic. I want to name this—it’s not a small thing. When Friends speak faithfully from the silence about grief and loss—and when other Friends leave enough space around their sharing—people report that their grief feels held. For the most part in our groups, Friends share as led; that sharing is held in the silence; and then another friend shares. There’s no need—for the most part—to respond directly to what was shared. That’s what is so unusual—and so transformational!—about a grief group grounded in Quaker faith and practice. What’s happening is an active communal practice of holding. With that said, what’s shared is often deeply painful. So in my experience, it’s felt important to have an elder in the group. The elder is present for spiritual and emotional tracking—and also so that if anything starts to go off the rails, there’s someone to step in and direct.
9. At the same time, it’s deeply meaningful for Friends to know that they have been heard. So to mark the closing of the group, I briefly name the themes I heard that day, weaving them together so group members feel included in a larger tapestry or web.
10. I invite a check-out. This means a brief word or phrase. The purpose here is containment and consolidation. What does this mean? Ideally, group members leave with an overview of what happened for them that day and also a sense that their experience continues to be held in the community as they leave. Also, I listen for the words people use. If someone checks out with a negative word, I will follow up with them within the next few days.
11. I invite a brief closing silence—the threshold leading out of the shared experience of worship and back into the world.
Joanna noted, “From 18 months of facilitating CWL groups, I’ve learned that grief can be held more easily if it is intimately witnessed. I think of this quote from nineteenth-century Friend Caroline Stephen: “We do not seek to escape suffering, but to find the life that can bear it.”

Joanna Dalin graciously offered friends and members of Meetings to connect with her regarding implementation of the A Model of Care for Loss. Joanne is willing to share her PowerPoint slides and consult with Meetings interested in this unique way of offering spiritual support. Contact: Text: 413.230.0571 or email: email hidden; JavaScript is required

This article was prepared by Sheila Sorkin, PYM Aging Support Coordinator to provide support, resources and engage the aging community of the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting and all Meetings as part of the “To Brighten Your Day” series.

Sexuality in Mid and Late Life

“In our personal lives, Friends seek to ackowledge and nurture sexuality as a gift from God for celebrating human love with joy and intimacy…Learning to incorporate sexuality in our lives responsibly, joyfully, and with integrity should be a lifelong process beginning in childhood.”
PYM Faith and Practice, 2002.

Sexuality in Mid and Late Life:
Excerpts from Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter
By Peggy Brick

The sexual scripts most of us learned as children are painfully inadequate for our lives as older adults. These scripts, instructing each of us how to think, feel, and act as male or female persons, commonly focus on the reproductive function of sex, define sex as penetrative intercourse only, stereotype gender roles, portray sex as for the young, discount gay, lesbian and bisexual persons, and generally discourage positive sexual attitudes. Such scripts need to be challenged.

In addition, many life changes require people to develop new expectations for their sexual lives. Loss of a partner through death or divorce, a variety of illnesses and disabilities, newrelationships, even the attitudes of one’s own children may require a new view of oneself as a sexual person.

Other barriers to older adults seeking sexual health and happiness are the current commercialization and the “medicalization” of sex, both of which promote quick (and expensive!) “solutions” to often complex interpersonal problems. An overwhelming array of “cures” tempt us: plastic surgery makeovers promise to correct every imperfection from wrinkles to “vulval unsightliness”; pills and a wild variety of penis enhancements guarantee larger, stronger, more powerful erections; an ever-more-exciting plethora of sex toys assure bigger, better orgasms; widely advertised videos assure us of “better sex for a lifetime.” Sexuality education aims to help people evaluate all the messages they receive from the media, advertisers, and pharmaceutical companies and then discover for themselves what can really enhance their sexual lives.

The following principles from Older Wiser, Sexually Smarter offer guidance for a healthy approach to sexuality and sexuality education in older adulthood :

Principles About Sexuality in Mid and Late Life

Sexuality is a positive, life-affirming force. A positive approach to sexuality means acknowledging the pleasures, not just the dangers of sex.
Older adults deserve respect. This respect includes an appreciation for individual sexual histories and the current stage of a person’s sexual journey.
Older adults are not all alike. Older adults vary in their comfort with sexual language, in the discussion of sexual topics, and in participating in learning activities related to sexuality.
Forget the cliche about “old dogs and new tricks”. Older adults are capable of writing new sexual scripts that can invigorate their sexual journeys. Sex is more than sexual intercourse, and there are many ways to be sexual without penetrative sex. Avoid the word “sex” whenever possible because of its vague meaning —when talking about intercourse, use the word “intercourse.”
Older adults learn from each other. Older adults have many “lessons” to share and learn from each other. Discussing ideas with peers helps people take responsibility for their own learning.
Older adults deserve accurate and explicit information, and also additional resources for discovery. Most people in this culture have lived with the message that sexuality is mysterious, secret, and shameful. Having access to the facts and a chance to talk openly helps people overcome those negative messages.
Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals must be acknowledged, respected, and included in discussions. Participants in your audience will likely mirror society, and therefore have a variety of sexual orientations and gender identities. Acknowledging all sexual orientations and identities can help make sure all participants feel included.
Flexible gender role behavior is fundamental to personal and sexual health. Strict adherence to traditional gender roles and stereotypes limits individuals’ potential as human beings.
Make no assumptions! Avoid making assumptions about the sexual behaviors or sexual orientations of participants in your sessions. Some may be currently involved in sexual activities, others may not. Some may be married or in relationships, others may not.

About Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter:

In 2003 Jan Lunquist and I created a teaching manual, New Expectations: Sexuality Education for Mid and Later Life, providing educators with 25 field-tested lessons for older adults. It aimed to help people “celebrate sexuality from birth until death.” Six years later, informed by many workshops, trainings, new resources and research reports, we have developed this completely revised (and renamed) second edition. It is greatly enhanced by the work of our two new authors, Bill Tavemer and Allyson Sandak, and by creative lessons from a number of new educators.

Our lessons encourage participants to identify the issues that confront them, re-think their old scripts, and consider how to create new and positive ways of being sexual as they age. Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter updates and expands all the lessons, includes three useful timelines, and adds lessons that address additional concerns including: intimacy and communication issues; masturbation; body image; spirituality; cyber sex, and how to talk about sex with your Physician.

Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter (Copyright 2009) is available through:
The Center for Family Life Education
Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey, Inc.
196 Speedwell Avenue
Morristown, NJ 07960
(973) 539-9580
www.ppgnnj.org
email hidden; JavaScript is required

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. The websites will open in a new window, when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

Widener College Sexuality and Aging website

Friends Meetings in New York and Philadelphia Yearly Meetings may call your Yearly Meeting office if you are interested in a workshop on Sexuality and Aging. Contact us here

Stigma

“Our life is love, peace and tenderness; and bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations against one another; but praying for one another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.”
Isaac Penington, 1667, Quoted in PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

When I was a child, it was clear that my parents, aunts, and uncles related to Uncle Douglas differently than the way they were with the rest of the adults in the family. He lived above my aunt in a quiet apartment with the blinds drawn, took his meals at the same Howard Johnson’s every day, and had no apparent hobbies except collecting religious dolls. Uncle Douglas it seemed had come from nowhere—there were no tidbits of his childhood or stories of his youthful foibles. He was rarely included in joking banter, and conversations lasted only as long as it would take to answer, “How are you?” Uncle Douglas was tolerated, his physical needs were met, but no one seemed to know how to support or express their love for him.

When I became old enough to notice, and brave enough to ask, I was told that Uncle Douglas had suffered a “nervous breakdown” and had not been the same since. Later I learned that he had been a successful radio disc jockey and dated a red-haired actor, but “something happened” and he was sent to an institution where he received some form of treatment. Eventually the relatives opened up, “You’d never believe what he was like back then!” He was dashing—a skilled dancer, dedicated connoisseur of 20’s and 30’s swing music.

No could name what happened to Uncle Douglas as anything other than a “nervous breakdown.” My mother felt that being in the institution did him in; my aunt blamed laziness and said in any case that he just stopped trying. These were hushed back room conversations, not to leave the family, and no one ever discussed Uncle Douglas with Uncle Douglas himself.

Today, we have words that identify various mental illnesses and a bit more willingness to talk about emotional or behavioral health the same way we might discuss diabetes or stroke. We may be willing to accept that mental illness is hereditary or has roots in brain makeup or body chemistry. Nevertheless, have we truly lost our fear and moved from tolerance, to engaged support for those with behavioral or emotional health challenges?

Consider this, from an online community newspaper:
“The…Museum will host a special lecture, ‘The Treatment of Mental Illness: A Historical Perspective’ to ‘explore how attitudes about mental illness and care have changed in the past 200 years,’ according to a statement released by the…board of trustees. It will be held early next year.
The announcement was made in the wake of objections made by some mental health advocates to the ‘Asylum of Terror,’ a haunted house staged as part of the museum’s annual fundraising event. Material promoting the Haunted Mill promised, ‘Dementia, paranoia, violent sociopathic behaviors… these are but a few of the afflictions that torment the wretched souls’ of the asylum.”

Kudos to the museum for hosting the lecture in response to the public outcry, and to those who spoke up, but one must wonder, have attitudes changes that much in 200 years if such an event theme were not questioned to begin with? In talking with Friends about their fears surrounding aging, I have often heard it said, “I can accept anything, as long as I have my mind.” With such pervasive stigma associated with behavioral health differences, no wonder we fear that more than anything else does!

Q: “Is our Meeting supportive and loving toward persons among us who may be struggling with mental illness?”
What can we do as a spiritual community to create a more loving and accepting environment, so that people can feel safe in seeking support when they are facing mental health issues? What is our role in advocating for those with emotional or behavioral challenges?

Educate. Stigma is best reduced by knowledge. Seek learning opportunities for your community to provide truthful information about mental illness. See additional articles in our Learning Center for factual information that may challenge common assumptions, as well as the list of further resources.
Check your own feelings. Try to understand one’s own assumptions and fears. Exploring how your life experiences and what you have been taught might be affecting your feelings can help you overcome your own resistance and be a better support to others in need.
When you feel your attitude is genuinely open, make it known. Be willing to talk. If you have experiences of your own to share, speak openly if you can.
Let others know you are concerned. Speak gently, with honesty and integrity. Offer facts and unconditional support, and listen, do not lecture.
Know what professional resources are available in your area and be prepared to provide that information. Offer transportation and/or additional support as needed.
Your spiritual community probably provides meals for people after the birth of a child, a death in the family, illness or surgery. Have you thought about the same for someone who is struggling with behavioral or emotional health? It may be hard, for example, for someone who is depressed to express gratitude or feel joy, but these gestures from the spiritual community remind us that we are cared for, and loved.

“And thou, faithful babe, though thou stutter and stammer forth a few words in the dread of the Lord, they are accepted.”
William Dewsbury, 1660, Quoted in PYM Faith and Practice, 2002

Download this article in pamphlet form

LINKS TO MORE INFORMATION: Click on the blue text below to be directed to outside websites that offer additional information on this topic. Articles from this site will open in the same browser window/tab. Articles from other websites will open in a new window; when you are done, simply click out of that window and you will be back on this site.

More articles on this website:

Anxiety and Change
Care of the Caregiver
Depression
Spiritual Approach to Dementia Care

Sources/Further Reading:

Edited by Patricia McBee, Grounded in God, Care and Nurture in Friends Meeting, Philadelphia, Quaker Press of FGC, 2002

Clinton Reed, “Red Mill Museum in Clinton responds to critics of its ‘Haunted Mill,’ plans special program”, Hunterdon County Democrat, November 13, 2009, read article online

Depression

Q: How does our community support people who are overwhelmed by emotional challenges?

Q: Am I a listening, caring presence for others when they are experiencing troubling times?

A Time of Loss and Change: depression is not a “normal part of aging” just as it is not a normal part of our development at any age. In older adulthood and at other times in our lives where we are facing loss, isolation or change, we may be at higher risk of depression. Loss of loved ones, roles, home or community ties, or physical changes can increase risk for depression. Men especially are more at risk for depression as they age, and suicide rates increase dramatically for men over 65, even more so for those with a history of depression.

Signs of depression include:

Sadness: grief as a natural response to loss is different from depression. Unexplained, unrelenting sadness or grief that never lets up is a sign of depression.
Expressions of Feelings of Loss of Self-Worth: a person may feel they are a burden, life has lost meaning, they cannot do things they were once able to do.
Withdrawal and Isolation: a person may avoid visits with friends, or avoid coming to Meeting.
Avoidance of Activities that were once loved: a person stops doing things that were once important to them.
Changes in Sleep Patterns: extreme fatigue, insomnia.
Changes in Appetite: usually weight loss, but some people may eat more to try to replace lost energy.
Fixation on Death, Suicidal Thoughts: consult a professional if a person expresses thoughts of suicide.
In older adults and others, depression may also manifest itself as hopelessness, helplessness, increased irritability, anxiety, forgetfulness, unexplained physical complaints. Symptoms such as confusion, forgetfulness, or paranoia may be similar to signs of dementia or other illness. A professional evaluation will help discern the root cause of the symptoms so that appropriate treatment can be determined.

“The remarkable discovery we can make is that love has not deserted us, and that it is available to us now in a new way.”
Margaret Torrie, 1975, PYM Faith and Practice

How can I help? A person with depression needs professional care. Friends can help by encouraging one to seek professional care and by being a caring presence.

Overwhelmed by symptoms of hopelessness and confusion, compounded by the stigma placed on mental illness, often a person who is depressed does not recognize their symptoms and cannot take action to get help. They may also feel ashamed or embarrassed. Let the person know they are accepted and supported, and learn about your local resources and refer to professionals.

Validate Feelings: respect and validate the person’s feelings. When a person’s feelings are validated, they feel valued. This contributes to healing and opens the doors for communication. See the Quaker Aging Resources article on Validation.
Walk Beside the Person: even if they say “I don’t want to,” let them know that you want to spend time together. If you are rejected, suggest another activity—visit pets, children, a garden. Walking and other exercise can help alleviate symptoms of depression. Mental health research shows that spiritual support, helping a person to find meaning and purpose, assists in recovery. Just listening goes a long way.
Don’t give up: continue to let the person know you care. Let go of expectations and understand it is the illness that is keeping the person from calling you back or taking you up on that potluck supper. Enlist the help of others and continue to encourage your Friend to accept professional help. Call your regional faith group office for assistance, especially if reluctance to seek care or accept medication is a concern.

Seek help immediately if thoughts of suicide are expressed or suspected.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Other Articles/Links:

Counseling For Friends in Philadelphia Yearly Meetings
Helping Older Adults with Depression
Mental Health America 1-800-969-6642

Sources/Further Reading:

Edited by Patricia McBee, Grounded in God: Care and Nurture in Friends Meetings, Philadelphia, Quaker Press of FGC, order this book from quakerbooks.org

Deborah Morris Coryell, Good Grief, 2007, Healing Arts Press, Rochester, Vermont.

Rosalynn Carter, Helping Someone with Mental Illness,1999, Three Rivers Press, New York, NY.

Brian Quinn, The Depression Sourcebook, 2000, Lowell House. Los Angeles, CA.